I wish to talk about two things today. First, cereal. I think I could, honest to God, live my entire life eating cereal. I have Raisin Bran Crunch in front of me. It’s amazingly tasty. And it’s so SIMPLE. There’s no bullshit here, just a bowl, the flakes, and some milk. You can’t mask unpleasantness in ketchup. You can’t really RUIN it by adding in outside elements (under the assumption you’re not a flaming moron and using sour milk). The craziest thing you can do to cereal is slice a banana into it, and that’s not all that crazy.
Cereal is beautiful in its delicious simplicity. I endorse it.
My second topic is vampires, though not really in fiction. Best Friend Thing (BFT for short. Wow, that could be BIG FUCKIN‘ TITS too but – well wait, that works.) Anyway, we went to Nola about five or six years ago. We brought the significant others in a fabulous double date of debauchery, booze, tours, and food. Enter late night vampire tour. Enter Vlad Tepes Knight, who Dave affectionately titled Vlad Herpes Knight. We didn’t think much of the portly Gary-Oldman–esque Semitic looking dude until he handed Lauren his business card at the end of our tour. Even that didn’t blip irregular on our radars until we got home to Massachusetts, and yours truly decided to look Vlad Herpes up on the interwebs. Come to find out, our friendly neighborhood faux blood sucker was advertising for . . . wait for it . . . SEX SLAVES. They had to be pale, and have long dark hair. They had to essentially look like Lauren. The kicker?
“I am happily married to the love of my life Victoria, and she understands the dark passions of the vampire and is quite open to me slacking my lusts upon other women.”
Ahhh, memories. Lauren, I am lol’ing at you RIGHT NOW.