Ranty McRanterSauce And The Magical Rant Pants.

I’m going to be vulgar, children.  Automated call menus can fuck RIGHT off.  I’ve had to call three different companies this morning to get some personal business in order, and every single one has had a cluttered, hair pulling automated menu to start the day.  As opposed to just going on a tirade about the evils of these menus, I’ve decided I’d give a demonstration of what goes through my head every time one of those dulcet, robotic voices kicks in, prompting me to press a number.

Thank you for calling __________.  We’ve created this menu to guide you to the proper department.  Please enter your social security number!

*__-__-1234*

Know this Robotic Voice, I smell your lies.

Thank you!  Did you say __-__-9644?  Press 1 for Yes, 2 for No!

*2*

But 9644 sounds nothing like 1234.

We’re sorry.  Could you re-enter your social security number, please.

*__-__-1234*

I ENTERED IT SLOWLY SO YOU CAN’T SCREW IT UP.

Thank you!  Did you say __-__-1234?  Press 1 for Yes, 2 for No!

*1*

ALLAH BE PRAISED!

We’re sorry.  We didn’t catch that.  Press 1 for Yes, 2 for No!

*1*

-Pause after no response from automated menu-

*1* *1* *1*

You have selected too many entries.  Please re-enter your social security number!

Oh fuck you, you cock goblin.

*Re-enters social, presses 1 only once like a good American*

Thank you.  Please select what you’d like to do today.  Press 1 if you want to wax a flaming cat.  Press 2 if you want to see your local Congressman naked.  Press 3 if you’d like to eat a live porcupine.  Press 4 if you can braid your leg hair.  Press 5 if you want a pedicure from RuPaul.

*Presses nothing, waits for the option that says none of these*

We’re sorry, we didn’t catch that.  Please select what you’d like to do today.  Press 1 if you want to wax a flaming cat.  Press 2 if you want to see your local Congressman naked.  Press 3 if you’d like to eat a live porcupine.  Press 4 if you can braid your leg hair.  Press 5 if you want a pedicure from RuPaul.

. . . but I’ve met Barney Frank, and I don’t want to see him naked.  Where’s the OTHER option?

*Presses 4 out of desperation, even if it’s a lie*

You have selected “you can braid your leg hair”.  Is this right?  Press 1 for Yes, press 2 for No!

*Presses 1*

Thank you.  What can I help you with today?  Press 1 if your leg hair is thick and black.  Press 2 if it’s sparse and looks like squid tentacles.  Press 3 if it’s curly and red.

What the fuck . . .

*stares at the phone like it’s grown a head, fangs, and a pointed tail*

We’re sorry, your selection timed out.  Press 1 if you want to wax a flaming cat.  Press 2 if you want to see your local Congressman naked.  Press 3 if you’d like to eat a live porcupine.  Press 4 if you can braid your leg hair.  Press 5 if you want a pedicure from RuPaul.

*Presses 0 out of desperation, hoping for a real live human being to get me out of this unnamed level of Dante’s Inferno*

We’re sorry, that’s an invalid selection.  – Dead Air –

What do you MEAN that’s an invalid selection?  It’s 0.  For operator.  EVERYONE HAS A GODDAMNED OPERATOR.

Thank you for calling __________.  We’ve created this menu to guide you to the proper department.  Please enter your social security number!

It’s right around then that I start throwing cats, declaring myself Mongolian for the day and scaling all of the walls in my neighborhood, and making Van Gogh-esque murals with my bodily fluids.  I will never – ever – understand how frustrating the public with stupid robotic menus gets anything accomplished other than ensuring that by the time the the caller gets to a customer service rep, they’re an utter cockbag.  It’s crappy customer service.  Period.

/pulls my rant pants off, walks around naked.

And this?  This is oddly liberating.  So there.

3 thoughts on “Ranty McRanterSauce And The Magical Rant Pants.

  1. I feel your pain. My husband has found that doling out obscenities is a very quick means of getting an actual person on the line. Of course, that only works if there’s an actual person connected to this charade. Somewhere, someone is laughing at the frustration their program has caused.

  2. Our auto-attendant hangs up on people if their account has been transferred or paid in full. This makes it difficult for them to get through for follow-up questions. I will often answer the phone and have to shout “YOU CAN STOP PRESSING BUTTONS NOW!” over the bleep-boop-bleep of them choking their phone in lieu of entering their SSN.

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