Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m that Big Noisy Friend. You know the one – you go hang out with someone, that someone introduces you to their opinionated, loud, sometimes-entertaining-but-sometimes-annoying friend? Yeah. I’m that sometimes annoying friend. The one you sorta want to see and sorta don’t. The one you accept because you like my normal friend and you have to put up with me because I’m part of a package. The one you have to “be in a the mood for.”
I hate being That Friend, but it’s pretty much my lot in life. Everyone I know has one of THOSE friends – the people you bring along because you personally love them but other people stare at them and go “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Yeeeep. That’s me. I talk a lot, I have a lot of opinions. I put myself out there. Found out a few years ago I do those things because I’m trying to force people to immediately decide if I’m worth their time or not. My bravado and “IN YOUR FACE, THIS IS ME” approach is because I want to scare off people who don’t accept me so they can’t hurt me.
See, I might be loud, I might have an opinion on everything, I might talk a lot, but Lordy, Lord . . . I am fragile. Big Noisy Friend who is afraid of shattering and becoming Broken Noisy Friend. It seems like it’s at odds, but it’s not. How quaint!
I’d rather be “the reliable friend.” I’d rather be “the smart friend.” But no, I’m Big Noisy Friend. I’m the one people like to pick fights with or prove wrong about stuff because, well, clearly if I’m out there and loud I must be self-confident. Self-confident people can take the poking, right? Nope. Can’t. Not even a little. I’m Big Noisy Friend because I’m insecure, remember? So you poke at me or pick at me and my thoughts, I shrink away. Big Noisy Friend goes batshit crazy hermit-mode. Big Noisy Friend doesn’t leave the house because she’s thinking everyone hates her. She tries to build herself back up in the safety of her home until she’s ready to be social again. She goes out, resorts to the status quo – Big Noisy Friend lives on. And promptly alienates people.
The sad truth is I don’t know how to be anything but Big Noisy Friend. Those with actual confidence (not manufactured as a defense mechanism) would say “embrace who you are, people clearly love you or you wouldn’t have friends. You can’t please everyone, and if they can’t take a joke (or you) – screw ’em.” Logical brain concurs, but emotional brain suggests I’d be better off if I were someone else. Some other person who knew some other way than Big and Noisy. Sadly, this is who I think I’m meant to be. Just sometimes wish it weren’t the case.
Big and Noisy wishes she were Quiet and Sensible. But there’s already one Lauren so I guess I gotta suck it up.