Hillary’s House of Mystic Cheese.

Taken from Twitter today, I put on my fortune-telling headwrap and saw into (your) future. I thought I’d share:

Aries: It might seem like everyone is out to get you today, Aries, because they are. Especially people in hats. They’re coming to get you, Dude.

Taurus: Taurus babies will find work relations improved by donning their thinking hats, a smile, and a machete. All are effective workplace tools!

Gemini: Gemini, your partner may seem incommunicative today, but that’s because they’re a zombie. A HazMat suit and open communication go far.

Cancer: Hey, Cancer. A business opportunity will present itself today, but here’s a little cosmic tip: marsupial porn ain’t as hot as it used to be.

Leo: Leos, your magnetic personalities could prove problematic when you find yourself swarmed by arduous pigeons. Wear a raincoat!

Virgo: Virgo people may feel like the world is spinning of its axis today, but that was just the cheese in your lunch. See a doctor.

Libra: Libra, beware snarky personalities and negative nancies today. Also, pterodactyls. Pterodactyls are f*cking terrifying.

Scorpio: It’s a great day to be Scorpio, especially considering no one will find where you buried Barry!

Sagittarius: Sagittarius, it’s okay to feel a little cocky today, especially considering you’ve turned into a giant rooster.

Capricorn: Hey Capricorn, that embarrassing thing you told your friend about is a well-kept secret. No one will judge you. Except me. Slut.

Aquarius: Aquarius people will find exaltation later when the dark lord Faz-Rukka rises once more.

Pisces: Pisces, if it seems like people are treating you differently today, it’s because they are. Nice antlers.

Clearly, there is a future for me as a 900-operator psychic to the stars.

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