A recent one ripped from Twitter:
Aries, if it seems like no one is listening to you today, punctuate important thoughts by throwing your cat at them. Hilarity WILL ensue.
Hey Taurus, if you’re feeling lonely, embrace the opportunity to make new friends. And start a cult. Avoid Hi-C and Kool-Aid at all costs.
Gemini, you might find yourself thinking the grass is always greener a lot today. The answer, of course, is to take their fucking grass.
Cancer, it’s okay to be shy, but when the going gets tough, remember to speak up for yourself. With your special acid spit.
Leo, think like the lion today. Be bold, proud, and during lunch hour, stalk gazelles in front of your office building, preferably in herds.
Virgo, it’s a good day to speak your mind, but communication will be improved if you say everything in pig latin. Ou-yay et-gay e-may?
Libra, today is a good day to take up a new hobby, but only if it involves badgers. Sadly, rumor has it honey badger don’t give a shit.
Scorpio, a shift in the cosmos will make people more ornery than usual. Be caref. . . I said ornery not . . . fine. Have it your way.
Sagittarius might find a quiet night home more appropriate tonight, otherwise you have to explain that new nipple on your forehead.
Capricorns are goats and goats eat tires. You can see where this is going. Avoid Michelin as I’ve heard they might “repeat” later on.
Aquarius, today is a day to try new things, but remember, all new things are better with hula hoops and spatulas. Pictures, please.
Pisces, follow that crazy dream today. Except the part with the oompa loompas and the stiletto heels, cause that’s just weird. Freak.