I’ve not been blogging as much lately mostly because I’ve been pretending I know what the fuck I’m doing around my house. Note the word “pretending.” I am /the worst homeowner ever/. I’m the least handy person in the universe, and I have no qualms admitting it. Put pliers in front of me, I shriek and throw them away whilst screaming, “UNCLEAN!”
My parents are amazingly handy, a veritable fount of practical house-ownership advice. The first thing they told me was GET THE GODDAMNED HOUSE LANDSCAPED. Welp. Okay. We did sorta look like Tarzan and Jane lived here.
WHY, HELLO PEACH MONSTROSITY! This one was quasi easy. Husband-bot went out and cut back all the shrubs so they were nipple height (my instructions are brilliant, if you can’t tell) and we hired my uncle to landscape. He tore up about six zillion weeds, spread thirty tons of mulch, and advised us to buy some fertilizer and water the shit out of it to get it green. It’s . . . very green now. Good advice, Uncle Mike! We look like people might want to come visit us one day!
Right, so step one of home ownership: complete. Why? Because /someone else did 90 percent of the work for a low fee/. THIS FORM OF HOME REPAIR IS AWESOME! Too bad we’re not a bottomless bucket of money.
Next step, flowers. I’m affectionately known as “Old Black Thumb” so this is the near-future-tragedy portion of our blog post. I got a plant to hang off of our driveway light. I call her Lois. Lois is doomed, but I water her and hope for the best. She hasn’t shriveled into a heap of neglect and disgrace yet, so I think we’re doing okay. Beneath Lois’s picture is a picture of my faux-whiskey barrel of flowers. They’re all . . . flowery and stuff. Some are annuals, some are perennaials, I can’t even tell you what the crap’s in the bucket except they’re green and some of them are really pretty. I’M SO GOOD AT THIS.
So, front part of the house, like 3/4 complete. Dave pulled up the weeds next to the driveway, which is great, but we still have the other side to do. We also have to use forty gallons of Round-Up to kill the stuff growing through the mulch (the roots were bad, my uncle said) and we need to plant some shrubs, but shrubs take money and that has to be budgeted. For now, the front is as done as it’s gonna get. We’re still working on the backyard, the deck, and the interior paint. I will update with more pictures soon!