MORE House of Mystic Cheese!

A recent one ripped from Twitter:

Aries, if it seems like no one is listening to you today, punctuate important thoughts by throwing your cat at them. Hilarity WILL ensue.

Hey Taurus, if you’re feeling lonely, embrace the opportunity to make new friends. And start a cult. Avoid Hi-C and Kool-Aid at all costs.

Gemini, you might find yourself thinking the grass is always greener a lot today. The answer, of course, is to take their fucking grass.

Cancer, it’s okay to be shy, but when the going gets tough, remember to speak up for yourself. With your special acid spit.

Leo, think like the lion today. Be bold, proud, and during lunch hour, stalk gazelles in front of your office building, preferably in herds.

Virgo, it’s a good day to speak your mind, but communication will be improved if you say everything in pig latin. Ou-yay et-gay e-may?

Libra, today is a good day to take up a new hobby, but only if it involves badgers. Sadly, rumor has it honey badger don’t give a shit.

Scorpio, a shift in the cosmos will make people more ornery than usual. Be caref. . . I said ornery not . . . fine. Have it your way.

Sagittarius might find a quiet night home more appropriate tonight, otherwise you have to explain that new nipple on your forehead.

Capricorns are goats and goats eat tires. You can see where this is going. Avoid Michelin as I’ve heard they might “repeat” later on.

Aquarius, today is a day to try new things, but remember, all new things are better with hula hoops and spatulas. Pictures, please.

Pisces, follow that crazy dream today. Except the part with the oompa loompas and the stiletto heels, cause that’s just weird. Freak.

Cool And Interesting Things!

Well, interesting to me anyway. And I have a small, squishy brain that is easily entertained. First and foremost, CHECK OUT THESE ANTS. I’m not a fan of ants in general. When I see them in my kitchen, I get my stompin’ shoes on and go to town. But these ants are coooool. An artist made little tiny ant-sets for them, and because of his eye, I might just spare one of the six-legged buggers the next time I see them.

Okay, I Won't Spare Them, But I'll Smile BEFORE Squishing Them

Secondly, there is another installment of Hillary’s House of Mystic Cheese:

  • Hey, Aries. Keep your chin up this week. It’ll keep you safe from flying squirrels.
  • Taurus babies should beware burly men with axes and glowing eyes. They only LOOK like landscapers.
  • Gemini, your duality will manifest in your personalities slap-fighting today. Mostly cause it’s Monday. And you’re batsh*t crazy.
  • It’s funny that Cancer‘s sign is the crab. Seems that Dazzler and her jiggly puffs have left you with a present or 300. Get some cream.
  • Spring has sprung and love is in the air, Leo. But then, so are the locusts. So very many locusts.
  • Virgos should let it all hang out this week! Just be careful when you’re around cats. Li’l bastards love wobbly bits.
  • Conflict is inevitable, Libra, but there are very few social situations that cannot be improved by the presence of an attack wolverine.
  • Scorpios should beware discussing their artistic endeavors with strangers today. There may be a stealth hipster nearby.
  • Hey Sagittarius. If you’re feeling a little blue today, might I recommend a back-up career as an Avatar extra?
  • Capricorns could learn a lot from the common household spider. They’re patient, spry, AND they eat their mates.
  • Aquarius people should embrace their bliss today. But not other people’s bliss because that’s a lawsuit.
  • Pisces, you might feel sad about always being last, but don’t despair. If this were the electotal college, last can still be president!

Thirdly, I’m writing again. Here’s a small taste of what is currently titled Mike, Jay, Fred, and Rhonda. Enjoy the opening!

> – <

Sophie Finley –- at the moment embracing her much more glamorous and brooding Raven Blackheart persona — had prepared for the better part of an hour for today’s session in the mystic arts. The room had been cleared of anything that could negatively impact her chi, which essentially meant she’d picked up the piles of clothes from the floor, hidden her Twilight novels behind her much more respectable Llewellyn ones, and removed her Ozzy Osborne and Elvira posters from the wall. The Enya and Loreenna McKennit CDs were pulled to the front row, too, to hide Fallout Boy, her mom’s old Cure CDs, and Evanescence.

The last was one of her most shameful secrets; no self-respecting goth actually admitted to liking Amy Lee. They just did it behind closed doors and trash-talked their friends for wearing their poser badges with pride.

She swept her fingers through her pink-tinged hair, which at one point had been more of a dusky purple, but had faded after ten washings. The bottle claimed she’d get between sixteen and twenty, but she firmly believed that all advertising was part of a capitalist regime hell bent on crushing the spirits of great, anarchist hearts like hers. Oh, and her friends Christina and Dustin who were coming over to help her with her séance today under their adopted names of Silver Winterwillow and Shroud. She told Dustin she didn’t understand the Shroud thing, and he said he picked it because dead people were wrapped in shrouds and he wanted to channel their emptiness. Whatever. Dustin was hot when he waxed deep, so Sophie didn’t ask any questions.

She tugged on her pentagram necklace and made sure that her star and moon earrings were facing the right direction. The left one had a tendency to twist around, forcing the bottom tip of the moon to jab her in the neck. It hurt, but Dusty –- no, Shroud –– said that the puncture mark made her look like she’d been bitten by a vampire, so she was almost tempted to let it continue to maim her. The only reason she kept fidgeting with it was because it was just the one gouge mark, and who really wanted to be made into a grave-serving sex slave by a one-fanged vampire? Edward Cullen was a yes, Dracula was a yes, Dilbert-The-Vampire-Who-Needed-An-Orthodontist was a no.

Her eyes skittered to her Nightmare Before Christmas skeleton wall clock. It was almost half-past two, which meant Christina and Dustin would be here any minute. Sophie lit her two pillar candles, wishing they didn’t reek like apricots and mint. The only ones she could find in the entire house had been her mother’s Bath Works Sensual Scents (guaranteed for THE MOST luxurious bathing experience.) The wax was mint green and gold and there were little decorative spangles embedded in the layers of “aromatherapy and decadence.” Hopefully the spirits wouldn’t rebuke her for being such a consumerist sell-out, but beggars couldn’t be choosers and these were super serious times. Her Parker Brothers Ouija board was no joke. Christina said one time her sister had used it and been possessed by the spirit of Jim Morrison for, like, a whole week. She kept running around the house screaming she was the lizard queen and singing “Riders on the Storm.”

Hillary’s House of Mystic Cheese.

Taken from Twitter today, I put on my fortune-telling headwrap and saw into (your) future. I thought I’d share:

Aries: It might seem like everyone is out to get you today, Aries, because they are. Especially people in hats. They’re coming to get you, Dude.

Taurus: Taurus babies will find work relations improved by donning their thinking hats, a smile, and a machete. All are effective workplace tools!

Gemini: Gemini, your partner may seem incommunicative today, but that’s because they’re a zombie. A HazMat suit and open communication go far.

Cancer: Hey, Cancer. A business opportunity will present itself today, but here’s a little cosmic tip: marsupial porn ain’t as hot as it used to be.

Leo: Leos, your magnetic personalities could prove problematic when you find yourself swarmed by arduous pigeons. Wear a raincoat!

Virgo: Virgo people may feel like the world is spinning of its axis today, but that was just the cheese in your lunch. See a doctor.

Libra: Libra, beware snarky personalities and negative nancies today. Also, pterodactyls. Pterodactyls are f*cking terrifying.

Scorpio: It’s a great day to be Scorpio, especially considering no one will find where you buried Barry!

Sagittarius: Sagittarius, it’s okay to feel a little cocky today, especially considering you’ve turned into a giant rooster.

Capricorn: Hey Capricorn, that embarrassing thing you told your friend about is a well-kept secret. No one will judge you. Except me. Slut.

Aquarius: Aquarius people will find exaltation later when the dark lord Faz-Rukka rises once more.

Pisces: Pisces, if it seems like people are treating you differently today, it’s because they are. Nice antlers.

Clearly, there is a future for me as a 900-operator psychic to the stars.