Search Term Bingo Part 24.

It’s that time again, ladies and germs, to look at the ways people find ye olde blog. I’m tempted to create an all new category for Search Term Bingo because it seems to be a pretty popular topic. Folks tend to blab at me about it afterward anyway, and that’s always a good sign. Sometimes I wonder if these lists say more about me and the content of my writing than it does about them, but then there’s night elf milking, and I’m pretty sure that’s all on them. Yeah, I’m not taking credit for that shit.

So, without further ado!

1800’s new orleans brothels

There could have been a few articles that would generate this hit. One would be the LaLaurie Mansion stuff, the other would be the picture of the bodacious corset tatas. I probably disappointed the reader on every level possible. I’m fairly sure a house where people were maimed, mauled, and murdered would be THE WORST WHOREHOUSE EVER, though there was that dude that actually paid some guy to come in and eat him, so. Takes all types I guess.

fake little people cabbage dolls

Okay, admission time. I make fun of midgets. Not to their face because I’m not a total jerk, but . . . the jokes. They happen. I even use the word midget instead of the politically correct Little People when I do it. Sometimes I shame spiral over it later because I like to pretend I’m a nice person, and this is pretty damned mean. Logically, I know it’s douchey of me to do. I don’t like it when someone calls me Queen Tundra of the Fat Ass Clan, for example, so me poking fun of others for whatever reason is hypocritical and bad. There’s a couple of problems here, though:

  • The word MIDGET is fun to say. Seriously, say it like five times in a row and you’ll find yourself smiling even if you hate yourself for doing it.
  • Someone is not looking for a midget. They want a cabbage patch doll of a midget. AND THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS.

BWAHAHAHAHA.

Ahem. I’m sorry, Peter Dinklage. I love you, you are really one of my heroes. I’ll try to be good now. PLEASE STOP HATING ME.

night elf beast sex

Yeah, you were warned about the other one, but not this one. SURPRISE. For those out there who don’t/haven’t played World of Warcraft, you’re probably blissfully ignorant of the prominent pervert population. There’s a subset of players that will take their video game experience and make it into something more than the game mechanics would allow. They’d probably see this picture and think /differently/ than you or I would.

They Would Consider This A Date Picture

Most WoW folks would call people looking for this type of unusual artwork “fucking furries” but that’s actually not all that accurate. This searcher is more a person into beast. And beast and furries are not necessarily the same thing. It’s not my job to give you an education on either topic, though, so let’s just leave it at THIS WEBSITE IS NOT A RESOURCE FOR ELF/CAT HUMPY STUFF.

smart looking gorillas

I wanted to put this:

But I don’t like to insult gorillas.

the frog hits me in the eye and wakes me

I’m thinking this has to be related to something that I’m not catching. Like, this was a thing in a book or a nursery rhyme or Alice Cooper’s nightmares. Whatever the case, coming from a position of ignorance, if someone jammed a fucking frog in my eye to wake me up, they’d find their butthole ribbiting a few minutes later.

plague of boils for kids

Welp, someone had a bad babysitting experience.

sad drunk guy

I’m not sure why this is such a stand-out thing. If you want to see a sad drunk guy, find your closest dive bar and go people-watch post midnight. The guys lingering at the bar, looking a little sadly at the bartender because they were cut off three Miller Lights ago? THOSE are sad drunk guys. The dudes that go to football games with no shirt on, who paint their faces their favorite team’s colors and then promptly watch their team get stomped into the field? THOSE are sad drunk guys. Those guys might be the saddest, actually, because when they cry, their face paint runs and they look like clowns who just took a money shot.

insert your pseudo inspirational bullshit here

I think I will, thank you!

where the fuck are my cookies

This is immediately what came to mind:

Followed up by the image of a stoner dude frenzying for his Cookie Crisp.

night elf milking

Have you ever heard of Rule 34? It’s this thing among net folks that means, “If it exists, there is porn of it.” So a friend might say something fairly innocuous like TOASTER, and you can say RULE 34. Because someone, somewhere, has put their dick in a toaster thinking it’s a good idea. They also photographed it or recorded it on their phone to share their toastery love with the rest of the internet. Thanks to Rule 34, I know I can go looking for night elf milking and find it. I know there’s art out there of the night elf from the picture above with some kind of milking device attached to her jubblies. You can go looking for it if you want to. And if you find it? Good for you. JUST KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF.

dick size box joke

Here, let me direct you to the rules of Dick in a Box. When you’re done with that, might I recommend some The Creep or some Jack Sparrow or maybe some good old fashioned I’m On A Boat.

(Note: Now you rockers know what I’m listening to while I finish this post. This is the tale, the tale of Jack Sparrow!)

super deep tit freak

This one made me giggle. A lot. I can’t help but picture some pre-vert running up to an unsuspecting woman, grabbing her boobs, and promptly reciting Emily Dickinson poetry. Or maybe some Nietzche. It’s like he’s a slobbering moron until he gets his titty-rific Power Up. WITHOUT THE POWER OF THE BOOBS, THERE CAN BE NO SUBSTANCE. THERE IS NO SOUL WITHOUT THE NIPPLES.

testicle torture device

Ummm. Okay? I don’t even . . . DUDE. WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR BALLS? WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU?

enter my mouth

A dark room. Candles. Silk sheets and FINE wine. The right music playing, maybe some Barry White or Anita Baker. The mood’s perfect, the person with you is exactly what you need tonight. There’s kissing and fumbling and groping. It’s hot and tingly and all manner of good. And then your partner says ENTER MY MOUTH and all boners everywhere just go limper than overcooked spaghetti. That’s it, game’s over. The Sex is OFF the table because that’s the least sexy sentence in the history of mankind. Well, behind, “So did I mention my ass herpes?”

Search Term Bingo.

So one of my favorite things to do (because I’m lame and have no life) is to look through the various search terms that bring people to my sites. Why? That’s a damned good question considering most of the things I find make me scratch my head and go BUT WHY PEOPLE, WHY. Half of the fun is trying to figure out what post generated the hit in the first place. Sometimes? It’s nigh impossible to fathom. Best I can come up with is we swear so much that the word “fucking” has become one of our biggest draws.

And with it there are problems, people.

Today, I wanted to share some of the /gems/ of recent history – if by gems I mean “DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.”

Search Term: lolboobs gif
Site: Divas

Well. I feel that I can help with this one. Are you ready?

There. Don’t we all feel better?

Search Term: you need to write your shoe size (just the number) followed by the word ‘inches’ and how long it takes to do your hair in minutes
Site: Divas

See, this is one of those stupid Facebook games. If you haven’t read Anna’s post about why the newest “breast cancer awareness” game on FB is shit, I recommend you check it out.

Search Term: tomb raider tits
Site: Divas

The whole GAME is tits, people. C’mon, really? Maybe you’d be better searching for “tomb raider nipples” because, well, last I checked they still hadn’t shown a single areola. Goddamned game developers better get on it! Gamers need their pron!

Search Term: erotica romance older woman her son
Site: Divas

So yeah, remember when I said I couldn’t figure out which post correlated to our search term bingo? I’m really lost on this one. Last I checked none of the divas have written incest porn. Best I can come up with is Falconesse’s little rant about Lupin and Snape porn. You know the one . . . with mention of the engorged purple love-tool.

This is why we can’t have nice things, Falconesse.

Search Term: “she-ra” tentacle wrap lips
Site: Divas

Welp! Up to this point in my life I had never pictured She-Ra giving fellatio to a tentacle. Thanks to the internet, now I have. Now you have, too. I’m sure there’s a picture of this somewhere, but damned if I’m going to Google image search this puppy. Mostly to preserve my goddamned sanity, thanks. She-Ra was a childhood hero. No tentacles should go near or around her perfect Princess of Power self.

Search Term: i’m 19 years old boy .i want have sex at suzie kennedy .
Site: Divas

At her? Like, does this mean you grab a girl, slap her down on the ground, and go at it while Suzie Kennedy stares on in A) horror B) fascination or C) unbridled lust? Or is Suzie Kennedy a place I don’t know about? “Hey baby, let’s go rollerskating at Suzie Kennedy. I heard all the cool kids are getting their hump on in the bathroom. Doesn’t that sound sexy? A little roller skating la la? Aww yeah.”

Search Term: my husband is always on the playstation and netflix
Site: Divas

Dear lady with a husband always on the PlayStation or Netflix,

There are a few options open to you at this time.

Step One: Have a conversation with him regarding his rampant use of said electronics. Tell him his use bothers you and have a dialogue about things you can do together. If this doesn’t work, proceed to Step Two.

Step Two: Unplug the machine while he’s playing it an insist that you REALLY MEANT IT when you said that he spent too much time ignoring you. If he gets angry, point out that you’ve had this conversation and he hasn’t changed his Netflix watching ways. If this doesn’t work, proceed to Step Three.

Step Three: Buy your own electronics. The vibrating kind. Have lots of sex with them and he no get any. If he’s fine with being second fiddle and you’re not okay with the arrangement, proceed to Step Four.

Step Four: Light the PlayStation — and possibly the husband — on fire. Bet that’ll get his fucking attention!

Yours,

Hillary

Search Term: lady use soap for fuck
Site: Divas

I bet you didn’t think your post about the best soap ever would inspire people to want to see women actually shoving bars of soap into their wahoos, Anna. BUT LOOK. IT HAS.

Search Term: sex gay sex movies gay pron sex gay
Site: Divas

I’m actually not sure what you’re after here, searcher. You weren’t really clear with your interests. Could you maybe reword this in such a way that we can better help you? The ladies at the Divas are helpers, after all. We like to help. So clarify a little more and perhaps our friendly readers would be willing to put some link suggestions in the comments!

Search Term: why being a scientist sucks
Site: Divas

You know, I wish I had something witty to say here, but I don’t. This question fascinates me, though. Why DOES being a scientist suck? Long hours? Bad benefits? Short pay? But . . . but . . . you’re a scientist. You can build things stronger, better, faster. You can make the Incredible Hulk. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY SUCK?

Search Term: how to lose weight with poly yeti ovarian disease
Site: hillarymonahan.com

The first problem, as I see it, is you’re a yeti. And yetis are a bit bulkier, ma’am. Furrier, wider through the hips and chest. Make sure before you embark on a yeti diet regime you have reasonable expectations of healthy yeti weight control. Maybe eat a few less bears, add more people into your diet. As for exercise, might I recommend terrorizing a small village or two? Running after the terrified villagers has to burn a few hundred calories. Oh and more whole grains, too!

Search Term: coffee, sex and throw snot trigger stroke
Site: hillarymonahan.com

You had me with the coffee and the sex. In fact, I was all on board with your plan. Then you started talking about projectile snots and I kinda fell off the bandwagon. That’s pretty nasty right there. Did you build a snot trebuchet? Or maybe you have a slingshot. And where does the stroking come in?

. . . wait, don’t answer that.

Search Term: story on suppose an spaceship has landed near your house . what was a reaction to if?
Site: hillarymonahan.com

I don’t know what story you’re looking for, internet person, but I can tell you that the reaction to a spaceship landing near you house should be something like “OH FUCK THERE’S ALIENS AND WE ALL GONNA DIIIIIE.” You should say this loudly, and maybe with tears on your cheeks. I ‘d also suggest you invest in some iron underwear so you can avoid the anal probes.

Search Term: hey fuckos
Site: hillarymonahan.com

To the person that typed in “hey fuckos” on an internet search engine, I salute you. There’s something beautiful about the simplicity of your search.

Search Term: hillarys murder
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Whoa, whoa. Put down the wood chipper. We can talk this through. No need to get . . . no, no abandon the angry wolverine. And the steak knife.

Wait. You meant the Secretary of State? Oh, well. She has secret service for a reason. Carry on, then. I suggest you keep googling “Hillary’s Murder” if you want to meet them in person. They might have some questions for you, though.

Search Term: giant flapping asshole
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Oh! Oh I can help with this one!

(A little political? Yes, but to be fair, most conservatives I know aren’t fans either.)

Search Term: i want my wenis to grow so much that it can reach my but and mouth
Site: hillarymonahan.com

Uhhh. Well. We all need goals. And in this case your goal is . . . kinda lofty, yeah, but . . . maybe . . . I got nothing. I really got nothing. God help me, I have no fucking clue what to say right now.

Search Term: m gonna be straightforward with you bitch. get the fuck over it putting me down makes you happier but laughing at you in your face pisses you off even more. you can’t fuck with me now cause im living life to the fullest until the day i die. hope you remember me for who i am.
Site: hillarymonahan.com

YOU GO, GIRL. SIR. GIRLSIR.

And, in closing (because it probably made me laugh/stare the longest)

Search Term: georgia congressman discusses beastality/watermellon
Site: hillarymonahan.com

I really don’t think I need to say /shit/ about that one. Do I?